What is happening!

Having feelings for your ex. What is a worse way to feel? Yes, it feels so wrong. The timing of those feelings can nearly destroy the peace you have been trying to collect. But there he was, in my mind, there he was in person, and all the feelings came right back.

It was a relationship that spanned about five years, during highschool. I broke up with him after realizing what a toxic relationship it was. And also him telling me I made him unhappy. Then to make a long story short, one day, he just popped right back into my life. All over again. He was at my college. And I just felt so so so overwhelmed. There I was, moving on. And the past decided to knock on my front door.

Oh, it was hard. Being in the same room as someone you made love to. Being in the same room as someone you used to not be able to live without. Being in the same room as someone who I never gave a reason for the relationship ending. That’s right. I never gave him reason, explanation, or anything.

I was to say the least, very unstable. I looked at him in class. After a few months being broken up, he was perfectly fine. His jokes landed right near my ears in basketball games. His voice entered my life once again. But we never were able to talk to each other. Because well, being friends with an ex, not really appropriate for our situation.

Eventually, I couldn’t do it anymore. I had his number. I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. So that is what I did, and it began with a voicemail I left. I told him I thought it would be a good idea to catch up.

We ended up talking, catching up to begin with. Then it took a turn. A really dark turn as we spoke about the past. He told me how he basically lost his will to live. He told me how much he had changed. I kept asking, what happened? Eventually he told me he tried to take his life. I — I didn’t know what to say. But basically it was because of me.

The conversation ended in an agreement, we both have grown in many ways. We called each other again a few days later. It was a conversation about furthering our relationship with each other. And he made me make all of the moves, while in the back of my mind, I remembered it was my fault he tried to take his life. Yeah.

And I remember it still when I pull up to his house. I see the same tree that he saw, one lonely night. It was my fault.

I wanted him to be happy. He told me I was his happiness.

If I leave, I know he will never be my friend. He will leave me in the dust. And that night I wasn’t there for him will still be my fault.

I don’t really know what exactly to do. I do love him. But being in a relationship with him seems to walk a really dark path. A really hard one. Can I help him find Jesus? He doesn’t know Jesus. Can he be happy without me? He has told me so many times that he couldn’t be.

Am I in a relationship again for fear of losing it?

Are YOU, dear reader, in a relationship again for fear of losing it?

Pancake Feathers

Feel those rose petals of promise,

Everything glinting in your eyes so honest.

Fire in the night heart,

Honey covered hands can’t part.

Twist her to your pleasure,

She will grace arms like a delicate feather.

Your sanctuary and salvation,

Touch is a simple, simple haven.

Mad for that syrup situation,

Holding, for hands can’t see infatuation.

Smothered from your syrup hands,

She was wilting and stuck, nothing planned.

Unable to see it, was you,

Because her hands were honey covered too.

Is he the bad guy? No. Am I? No. Because this isn’t Disney. Real life is so much more complicated. But what isn’t complicated is saying “no” to someone who uses you.

Good luck to all of you. Let go of that sleezy ex. No mattter what he tells you. Get rid of him. Because at the end of the day, what is going to make you happy is yourself. Not another person. He might want you for status, sex or societal pressure. If it feels icky, it probably is icky.

6 year old you and 86 year old you know what you deserve. They think that you are pretty freaking amazing. And that it is worth waiting for someone who truely makes you feel amazing. Without that person needing to say it 24/7. Come on, listen to that heart of yours. It isn’t wrong, it simply isn’t. God likes to speak to you there, through the Holy Spirit. He loves you deeply. He is there and knows it all before you even say it, or realize it yourself. Take a minute of time to read this as well: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. 6Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. 7It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13

Thank you for reading! Hit the “like” button if you enjoyed this post. What do you wish you could say to someone in your life but haven’t yet? Please, comment down below. I appreciate you ALL!

1 John 4:16: “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.” #love #godlylove #selfdiscovery #zerotohero #collegelife #exboyfriend #movingon

Love, IsabellaFella

5 thoughts on “What is happening!

  1. Hey, dear !!
    Don’t be so hard on yourself .. Don’t beat yourself up for leaving him .. ‘cus it was important for you .. Don’t feel bad for making urself a priority !!
    our first responsibilty is “our ownselves” .. to take care of ourselves ..
    And don’t be w/ him just ‘cus you fear that you will lose him.. ‘cus in this process, you might lose yourself too .!!
    You deserve the kind of love that will heal you 💜 .. That will make your life beautiful .. 💜
    Be sure of it before you allow him in your life again ..💜
    Take care 💜

    love love,
    sheetalgarg 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! Your words stay with me as I go through this situation. Love is a crazy thing, that is worth taking time to figure out. I am working on myself. Either way events might take me, I will be true to myself. 😉 Thank you so much. Your words are so important to remember, and I treasure them! Thanks again, Sheetal!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Been in your shoes, still am. My ex currently works with me and is engaged to another man (Wrote a post on the lessons learnt from it)

    Sheetal pretty much said what I wanted to say. I’ll just add to it and ask you to be patient with yourself. Respect the process you are on; you are on your path and he is on his. You have no obligation to him anymore. You are young, this is the time for you to truly pick yourself up and shape your life the way you want it to be.

    Be clear on what you want, work on your dreams, work on yourself. Eventually, when the time is right, things will fall into place and you’ll be grateful for this period in your life.

    Be bold and strong 🙂

    The Random Bangalorean

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This means a lot. I certainly am at a point in life where I am figuring out who I am, what I am meant to do. And it is a big struggle time to time. I hope to gain inner strength and trust in myself and for myself moving forward. Easier said than done. But I can tell you, I will be bold and strong. And thank you dearly. I wish I could say more!
      The situations life throws at us are intense. Confusing. And can wear us down. I am sitting here thinking that the picture just isn’t fully painted yet. While also wondering if it is painted, boldly, with a frame and signed. I am in-between.

      Thank you, so much. Your kindness will not be forgotten, I appreciate you. 🙂 And good luck to what you are going through. I would not want to be working with my ex, that is for sure. But life doesn’t do what we want. It has a funny way of doing what we need. Thanks again.
      Best of wishes, IsabellaFella

      Liked by 1 person

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